Living in the Moment

A song came to mind tonight that really sums up my crazy thoughts lately...

All aboard the crazy train!

Recently Randy told me, "You're always looking for the next big thing".  

Ouch.

Those words sting.  Why?  Because that is so true, and yet, so sinful in nature.  I have ALWAYS had the hardest time just living in the moment and being happy with the things and people that are right in front of me.  God blesses me with soooooo very much...much more than I deserve, that's for sure.  And, while I thank Him every morning before my feet hit the floor for all of the many blessing He has placed in my life, I often let my mind wander to so many different things of all different sized subject matter like,

"Should I be making more money in a different career?  I love my job, but maybe I could be doing more making MORE to support our family."

"Shouldn't we own a home, now?  We need to start looking into purchasing, and when we do, it should be bigger so we can have more room for...MORE!"

"Maybe we should have another baby...I mean, Randy is turning 30 this year, and I am right behind him!"

"We don't travel very often, and so many of our friends have been to so many different places.  Maybe we should book a trip!"

"Maybe I should go back to school.  I only got my Bachelor's...maybe I should get my Master's so that I can make MORE!"

"I work hard.  I should go out and buy something new or do something for myself"...or, on the flip side..."We should really save more.  That way we can have more down the road...but not too far down.  After all, we don't want to waste any time in getting there!"...wherever "there" is.

Unfortunately, my brain in those moments doesn't slow down to respond to each bright idea before feverishly putting a plan in place.  When I stop to reflect, i.e. when I pray or blog, I see the perfect responses to each of my crazy thoughts.

Let's take a look at those ideas one more time.  This time, Q&A style.

"Should I be making more money in a different career?  I love my job, but maybe I could be doing more making MORE to support our family."
Well, you answered your own question there, Kelli.  You love what you do!  You are happier than you've been in a really long time.  Kendall is right down the hall from you, you have awesome co-workers, it's only part-time which allows you to spend time with Kendall for a good portion of the day, you have Friday's off...the list goes on and on.  You're not struggling to get by.  You're contributing to the family while also fulfilling your dream of spending time raising your daughter.  Win. Win. Win.  

"Shouldn't we own a home, now?  We need to start looking into purchasing, and when we do, it should be bigger so we can have more room for...MORE!"

So many wish they simply could afford a roof over their heads in a safe neighborhood.  We not only have a roof, but it's a darn nice roof.  We are in a very safe city with so many awesome things to see and people living near us.  Maybe I should take the time to really enjoy my new home...rental or not.  It's beautiful!  This city is awesome, and yet we've only gone to the familiar parts.  Let's get out and explore!  We have so many friends living nearby...let's invite them over and enjoy the friendship and fellowship that God has blessed us with!

"Maybe we should have another baby...I mean, Randy is turning 30 this year, and I am right behind him!  We are wanting to possibly adopt our next child, and if so that can take a really long time.  We gotta get moving on this...like NOW!"

Now this one is a tough one for me to answer.  Most days, I feel like my biological clock ticking away is made very apparent in my little girl.  I know I've said this so many times, but it's so true.  Kendall is growing up so fast!!!  Where did the time go?!?  Yet, I am reminded that while I am frantically fretting over having another little one, I am missing these fleeting moments.  I'm not truly savoring being a family of 3.  When another child comes along our lives are going to be rocked...in a good way, but still.  I don't want to regret anything, and besides, my ideal scenario is having one out of diapers and able to really enjoy being a big while the other is the little.  I know this is not the case for everyone, but it is our dream...so why rush things?  Let's not forget one crucial part to this question.  Yes, we're about to be 30...that.ain't.old!  It's not even close!  So sit back and enjoy Kendall.  Give her lots of one on one time.  Baby fever getting the best?  I know lots of people having or have just had babies.  Go hold one!  Enjoy their company.  As far as adoption, God is going to bless us with another one be it through us conceiving or someone else in HIS perfect time.  And, He may see fit that we don't have any more.  That's where faith and prayer come in for His plan to be revealed to us.  So many struggle with having one child...much less more.  I should enjoy the one I have and let God handle the rest.  

"We don't travel very often, and so many of our friends have been to so many different places.  Maybe we should book a trip!"
Traveling is expensive.  Period.  We have our whole lives ahead of us, and Kendall is 2...not the most fun to travel with or leave behind.  There is plenty of time to see the world :)  Be happy for those who are doing so...DON'T COVET!

"Maybe I should go back to school.  I only got my Bachelor's...maybe I should get my Master's so that I can make MORE!"
Ummmm....how about we focus on paying back the degree I have already acquired?  To be honest, I would not trade my college years for anything, but I personally, don't want to repeat them either.  Make sense?  I am proud of my B.S. in Human Development and Family Studies from Texas Tech!  I'm paying them a lot, so I should say that!  Hahahaha!!!!  So many people would love the opportunity to go to college...or heck, even finish high school!  I've climbed those mountains.  Maybe I will approach and re-evaluate this question down the road.  But, for now, boredom is not a good excuse to go back.

"I work hard.  I should go out and buy something new or do something for myself"...or, on the flip side..."We should really save more.  That way we can have more down the road...but not too far down.  After all, we don't want to waste any time in getting there!"...wherever "there" is.

The problem with my generation?  Entitlement.  I am not entitled to anything just because I put in a day's work.  So friggin' what!  So did so many others, and they can barely make ends meet.  This comes full circle with everything I am talking about tonight.  I need to be smarter with the money God has given me and be a good steward.  The new thing I would buy would probably be something I don't need.  I have faith that God will provide for my needs if I work hard and give back as I am called to do.  I am not, however, entitled to one thing more.  Yes, we should save, but we must pray in doing so.  We must pray that we are always using our money that God has blessed us with in a way that would be pleasing unto Him.  I need to take a look around.  I have so much that I have not even used that I am so blessed to have, and why?  Because I am constantly looking for the new thing that just came out...clothes, cars, shoes, gadgets, furniture, you name it.

I think this blog was just as difficult to write as my last.  It is so hard to take a look in the mirror.  Yet, I pray that in doing so, I will become someone that others can look at and see Jesus.  I may be the only Bible that some ever read, and if my actions don't reflect His word, how will they ever come to know Him?

I am beyond blessed.  Instead of being so stressed about what's to come, how about I sit back and enjoy what's right in front of me? Besides, we make plans, and God laughs. I am not promised tomorrow.

I leave you with another little diddy that lifts my spirits and helps me focus on now.  Sing it Mr. Mraz!

The Year of the Kelli...through Christ

So, I intended to write a blog today about all of the things that have transpired since my last blog, but I felt lead to share a different story.  This is going to be totally random and very personal. I prayed before writing this blog that God would guide me and give me strength to open up and be transparent about my struggles in hopes that it will give others who also deal with these things a sense of comfort in knowing that they are not alone.  There are others like them including myself, and there is ultimately One who is always there for them.

This year, I didn't make any stated New Year's Resolutions, but Randy and I have jokingly called this, "The Year of the Kelli". Every day, I see changes in Kendall as she grows, and I always wonder, 

"Am I doing everything I can to raise her as God would want?"  

I need to set a good example for her in ALL aspects of me. I want her to see Christ in me. I am reminded of the verse 1 Corinthians 6:19:


"Don't you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself,"


I decided to take a long hard look at myself this year and make some changes. For me, this means taking better care of myself overall...head to toe...inside and out.


So, I literally started at the top. I want to better my mind.  I have told only a handful of people very close to my in my life that I battle with anxiety and panic attacks.  I have decided to publish it in my blog because there were so many dark times where I felt like I was the only person struggling with this.  Yet, when I did get brave enough to open up to people in my life, I found some that struggle with it as well.  They too thought they were alone.  Some people hear the words, "panic attack" and think it means you are high strung and can't deal with life like a "normal" person. I've also been called a hypochondriac. While I won't argue that I am high strung, I will say that panic and anxiety is not something that can be turned off like a light switch.  In those moments of inexplicable fear, I want nothing more than to be able to calm down and feel "normal".  Unfortunately it's not that easy.  In those moments, I literally feel like I am losing my mind, and I have no idea why.  The 3 things that I have found to be the most helpful in those moments are sleep, doctor prescribed and monitored meds, and prayer....prayer, of course, being my greatest comfort.  I've found some awesome devotionals that I have been reading as well as an awesome book that is really helping me battle my anxiety. I haven't finished it yet, but I highly recommend it.

Of course, the greatest book of all that is my compass, is the Holy Bible.  Someone very near and dear to me said to me that in the darkest time in her life, she opened her Bible for answers.  It was in that moment for the first time that it really changed her.  Though she had read her Bible several times before, it was in this difficult time that she cried out to the Lord and sought out answers in His word.  She said that it read like a novel.  I too, am learning to instantly pick up my Bible in my time of fear.  It is amazing how in those moments it is as if it were a step by step instruction manual for life.  Though I don't pick it up NEARLY as often as I should, I am learning that I need it in my life just like I need air.  When I breathe in His word, I am renewed.

I"m learning that a great deal of my anxiety and panic disorder is hormonal in nature, and I am seeking the help of my OBGYN to help balance things.  I'm also interested in learning about more natural methods of eating and the benefits of frequent exercise. 

I can not write this without giving credit to my amazing husband.  He truly has the patience of a saint and loves me through all of this.  He makes me feel so safe, and steps up when I am weak to make sure that everything is taken care.  I prayed for a Godly man, and I am blessed beyond measure.  I am also so very thankful for the friends and family members who have known of my struggles and are always there for me when I need to cry or vent.  They encourage me with kind words, scripture, and prayer...and oftentimes a whole lot of humor.  I believe that God holds a special place in His kingdom for each of them.  

I am a firm believer that God puts us all in situations, no matter how big the struggle, to teach us lessons and draw us near to Him. I pray that this year I can become a better witness to others of the love of Christ, a better wife to my incredible husband, and a better mother to my precious daughter.

Heavenly Father, I thank you for the strength you have given me to tell my story.  I thank You for always keeping me safe in the storm.  I pray that others who read this will come to know You and will cling to You in their time of need for You are always with us.  I pray that they know they are never alone, and that their dark time will pass in Your perfect timing.  Thank you for my health and abundant blessings.  

In Your Precious Name Lord Jesus I Pray, Amen.