The Year of the Kelli...through Christ

So, I intended to write a blog today about all of the things that have transpired since my last blog, but I felt lead to share a different story.  This is going to be totally random and very personal. I prayed before writing this blog that God would guide me and give me strength to open up and be transparent about my struggles in hopes that it will give others who also deal with these things a sense of comfort in knowing that they are not alone.  There are others like them including myself, and there is ultimately One who is always there for them.

This year, I didn't make any stated New Year's Resolutions, but Randy and I have jokingly called this, "The Year of the Kelli". Every day, I see changes in Kendall as she grows, and I always wonder, 

"Am I doing everything I can to raise her as God would want?"  

I need to set a good example for her in ALL aspects of me. I want her to see Christ in me. I am reminded of the verse 1 Corinthians 6:19:


"Don't you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself,"


I decided to take a long hard look at myself this year and make some changes. For me, this means taking better care of myself overall...head to toe...inside and out.


So, I literally started at the top. I want to better my mind.  I have told only a handful of people very close to my in my life that I battle with anxiety and panic attacks.  I have decided to publish it in my blog because there were so many dark times where I felt like I was the only person struggling with this.  Yet, when I did get brave enough to open up to people in my life, I found some that struggle with it as well.  They too thought they were alone.  Some people hear the words, "panic attack" and think it means you are high strung and can't deal with life like a "normal" person. I've also been called a hypochondriac. While I won't argue that I am high strung, I will say that panic and anxiety is not something that can be turned off like a light switch.  In those moments of inexplicable fear, I want nothing more than to be able to calm down and feel "normal".  Unfortunately it's not that easy.  In those moments, I literally feel like I am losing my mind, and I have no idea why.  The 3 things that I have found to be the most helpful in those moments are sleep, doctor prescribed and monitored meds, and prayer....prayer, of course, being my greatest comfort.  I've found some awesome devotionals that I have been reading as well as an awesome book that is really helping me battle my anxiety. I haven't finished it yet, but I highly recommend it.

Of course, the greatest book of all that is my compass, is the Holy Bible.  Someone very near and dear to me said to me that in the darkest time in her life, she opened her Bible for answers.  It was in that moment for the first time that it really changed her.  Though she had read her Bible several times before, it was in this difficult time that she cried out to the Lord and sought out answers in His word.  She said that it read like a novel.  I too, am learning to instantly pick up my Bible in my time of fear.  It is amazing how in those moments it is as if it were a step by step instruction manual for life.  Though I don't pick it up NEARLY as often as I should, I am learning that I need it in my life just like I need air.  When I breathe in His word, I am renewed.

I"m learning that a great deal of my anxiety and panic disorder is hormonal in nature, and I am seeking the help of my OBGYN to help balance things.  I'm also interested in learning about more natural methods of eating and the benefits of frequent exercise. 

I can not write this without giving credit to my amazing husband.  He truly has the patience of a saint and loves me through all of this.  He makes me feel so safe, and steps up when I am weak to make sure that everything is taken care.  I prayed for a Godly man, and I am blessed beyond measure.  I am also so very thankful for the friends and family members who have known of my struggles and are always there for me when I need to cry or vent.  They encourage me with kind words, scripture, and prayer...and oftentimes a whole lot of humor.  I believe that God holds a special place in His kingdom for each of them.  

I am a firm believer that God puts us all in situations, no matter how big the struggle, to teach us lessons and draw us near to Him. I pray that this year I can become a better witness to others of the love of Christ, a better wife to my incredible husband, and a better mother to my precious daughter.

Heavenly Father, I thank you for the strength you have given me to tell my story.  I thank You for always keeping me safe in the storm.  I pray that others who read this will come to know You and will cling to You in their time of need for You are always with us.  I pray that they know they are never alone, and that their dark time will pass in Your perfect timing.  Thank you for my health and abundant blessings.  

In Your Precious Name Lord Jesus I Pray, Amen.